Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
When you let grandma cat sit
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
are they though??
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one