Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter