Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.