Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective