@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

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@TheCatWhisprer

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@KevinFarzad

I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.

@MzCoburn

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

@Cheeseboy22

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@carlyken

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal