*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”