*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.