*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*

I’ll take one baby please

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{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving


My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?


Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]


When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.


Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.


Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?


“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…


-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.