*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
New menu item
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this