{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…