[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
(by @ZachWeiner )
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.