The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.
As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”