*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Me: Its all there.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Did you hear that?
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
*axe murderer kills both*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me