@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

You Might Also Like

@LizHackett

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

@juliussharpe

Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.

@realHamOnWry

As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@dubstep4dads

*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@MmeJey

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

@Jandalize

I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”