Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.


Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda


(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.


[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but



The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.


Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.


Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”