Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*