@david8hughes

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

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@AnniemuMary

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

@Naked_Superman

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

@OrdinaryAlso

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

@Brianhopecomedy

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

@PoblicMenace

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

@Bobinhiding

Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”