“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
😂🤣😂🤣
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you