Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You Might Also Like
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Fight
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Atheists are Popeless romantics.