Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then