“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.