Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Who does Amazon think I am?