sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
True
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Lube but for my dry humor.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool