Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.