“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*
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Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.