@SatansTongue

*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama*
*Obama faints*
Only a kiss from his one true love will save him
*Biden takes out lipstick*

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@eminmien

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

@tastefactory

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@JessObsess

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

@kieransofar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@ChaseMit

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@JB4Realz

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

@daskidcoppi

The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.