Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Shortcut
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.