Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: