Untitled Goose Game (2019)
You Might Also Like
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.