Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine