Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
taking June’s advice to heart
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.