Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.