@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

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@psybermonkey

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

@BoozeWallet

[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit

@shwebby3

Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!

@dafloydsta

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

@TheTobbie

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

@KimmyMonte

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume