Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’


[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit


Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!


JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes


On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…


Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB


[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]


[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks


*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume