[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
You deplete me
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.