Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Respect
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Love is always patient and kind.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.