Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
❤️❤️❤️
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.