@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

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@TheBoydP

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

@momTruthBomb

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@CAshmanActor

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@SaraMansford

I wish scientists could make us as indestructible as cartoons. I’ve got a list of people I’d like to drop an anvil on.

@CotysGotThis

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

@Bob_Janke

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.