If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I only think about cannibalism the average amount
Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.