[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
it’s the silliest best thing
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…