sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.


Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.


Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”


Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.


Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out


Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!


Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.