@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

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@rebrafsim

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@MarfSalvador

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@octoberjuneblog

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

@jazz_inmypants

my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying

me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing

my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@junejuly12

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you