Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
my daughter, Alexa: my name is so annoying
me: sorry honey in my defense u were born before it was a thing
my son, Google Assistant: yea alexa give dad a break
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you