I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Alexa: *deep breath*
pizza
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.