@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

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@upsidedowntrash

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

@JoshVeyssi

McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@ElizaBayne

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

@thedad

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@Alohababe2011

This guy at the supermarket walked up to me and I thought he was gonna ask me where a product was but instead he asked for my number because he wanted to take me out, I was surprised but thought it was kinda cool and then I woke up

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.