Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.

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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker


Me: This chicken is undercooked.

Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking.

Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.


He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.


7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away


we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote “please take me with you” in it


PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol


*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*


“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…


(Summer 2015)


Seriously hackers, y’all gotta do better. I don’t need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12