*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*

*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*

Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

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