*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*

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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.


If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.


If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”


Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*


[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL


Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine


Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.


Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.


If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.


American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant