@duplicitron

*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*

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@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

@Mom_Overboard

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

@Jarhead44

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

@JoanBaileyy

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@DrakeGatsby

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@djr_102

Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.

@Hill2Stephi

If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant