Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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