@duplicitron

*sleeps with the fishes but does not use condom*

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@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

@HatfieldAnne

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

@Tmoney68

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

@MichaelTrying

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

@daemonic3

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

@Darlainky

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

@JagAskell

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.