*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*

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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face


Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?


One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.


Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.


Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited


Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America