@fourlocohen

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

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@JulieSnark

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@sweetandweak

Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@juneohara65

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@sweetg35

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America