Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You Might Also Like
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.