Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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Come back with a warrant
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Happy Taco Tuesday
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend