[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?