Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”