*sliced bread was invented in 1928*

*sandwiches before 1928*

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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.


Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.


If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.


It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.


[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I


As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….


my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon


People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.