HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
A movie about a surfer vs. a shark
but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?
Jill: It was a riot.
Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750
me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.