@david8hughes

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

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@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

@Sassafrantz

And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

@thestlouisan

A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.

@MoneypennyNaked

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.

@DurtMcHurtt

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

@kDuncanG

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.