[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

You Might Also Like


[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”


And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23


“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”


A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.


10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”


Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.


All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.


my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.


GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*



All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.