My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.