*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
You Might Also Like
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…