*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life