Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
new career option?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Grandmother clock.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode