*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I bet birds love this building.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The asteroid..
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout