*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
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your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree