[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
who did the taste test?