[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

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Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”


Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…


ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?


“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.


It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.


Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.


[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]


The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.


Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.


math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am