[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol