@david8hughes

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

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@C00LpenNAME

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@LunchJournals

“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

@robin_991

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.