Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?
I’m so confused!!
“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.