Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.


Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.


“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard


Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?


Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy


I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.


Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.