Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
cry laughing at this shit
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn